Another perfect, restless night.

Once again, I can't sleep during what most would consider "normal" hours. I lay in bed at 5 am, willing myself to shut my eyes and let sleep take over, but I realized around 6 that I was going to have little luck doing so. Upon this realization, I took a shower and got dressed up. I wore an outfit that reminded me of my friend Cindy, because she always puts herself together so perfectly and it's as if she doesn't even realize that she has done so. I put my heals on or as I like to think of them: my big girl shoes. I still feel like a five year old, parading around in my mother's stilettos every time I put them on. I walk as if I have a purpose, as if anyone could possibly have a purpose at 7 am. As I walk, pretending that I'm not thinking that I will fall and break my ankle, I see people sluggishly walking to their jobs or classes. This is a regular routine for them, waking up and sleeping normally. I hate them all, those who can simply act as society expects them to.

I had a revelation on Tuesday night. Mike came over, he was going to leave for California the next day, and we drank as much rum as our bodies could take. He was blessed with the ability to pass out when he is drunk, I however stayed vigilant. When most find themselves drunk and virtually alone, they tend to sleep or find stupid things funny. I turn on myself, vicious and uncaring. I sat next to my window and watched as the campus woke up, still drunk and chain smoking. I began sobbing and laughing at myself, at how pathetic I am. I really hated myself in that moment.

I'm proposing a new social law be passed, you must hook up a breathalyzer to your computer if you are planning on using the internet. If you are drunk, then it won't work. I got online and tore what was left of my reputation to shreds. I actually sent a girl a long private message on Facebook about how I wanted to talk to her and how I thought she was a good person. It was the guilt talking, seeing as how I'd slept with her boyfriend. I talked to a friend about myself, about how I feared that I was quite literally becoming an alcoholic. I asked him why I am who I am and he said something that rocked my world. He told me I was a self hating narcissist.

Finding out what is wrong with you mentally is like discovering after many years of searching, who your real parents are. It fits me I suppose. Constantly I'm doling out advice, even when it isn't wanted, but I never take any of my own advice. I'm quite certain my friends love me a great deal and think that I'm a great person, but the truth of the matter is that I hate myself. I wish that people would tell me what my flaws are, I want someone to be angry at me. It doesn't happen though because for some odd reason, people find my harsh exterior with the kind, creamy interior appealing. I often ask friends if they've ever bitched about me or if there is something they hate about me. They will either reply they have no thoughts of that kind in their heads and genuinely mean it or say no out of fear and hide it.

I think this is the problem with many people in our society, they are frightened of their flaws and want to hide from them. Whenever someone gets angry with them they either flee or act like they don't care. I encourage everyone to ask a friend to tell you what they dislike about you, or what they think you could improve on. I for one have a long list.

I am a borderline alcoholic, I am a self hating narcissist, I smoke too much, I lie a lot, I fuck with people's minds out of boredom, I'm an enabler, I am lazy, I don't put whatever brain I have to use often enough, I laugh when people cry, I am filled with self pity and I drink too much. ...Well I listed the drinking thing twice, I suppose it's doubly true.

I'm re-reading 1984. Just got to the part where he mentions that nothing is illegal anymore, because there are no laws. Now that may sound fantastic at first glance, but when you really think about it, it's horrifying. The world George Orwell creates still has law enforcement. So basically, you can be arrested for anything at all and you can't fight back, because without laws you don't know your rights. We're practically at that point right now, Habeas Corpus anyone? You should probably watch that video if you don't know what it is.

Ashley