To hell with sleep!

Get used to me bitching about my horrific sleep schedule.

I was a good girl, went to bed at 2 am, now it's 5:30 and I'm not even tired. Sweet Jesus.

Anyway, the past couple of days have been interesting for me. I haven't had a drink in about 5 days, which is good for me. But the rum is sitting in my freezer and the coke in the refrigerator and they are both singing a downright gorgeous song. They say you're supposed to wait till past noon to drink, but if you haven't gone to sleep yet does that still count? I remember going to work wasted, that was fun. Especially when it's a job that involves reading small numbers on the spines of books.

Well, after a few moments talking to my ex, I hit up the rum. God I'm hopeless. It's just better for me to drink than think about my problems at the moment. That sounds fairly dumb I'm sure, but I'm going to be seeing my therapist in about a week so I need to start the crazy so I have something to talk to her about. Thankfully, the more he spoke the more pathetic I realized my early morning drinking really was and It is now sitting on my desk, untouched. The desire to drink left as soon as I exited out of the chat window, incredible.

I've discovered a song that may very well be a new favorite:

Charlotte Sometimes - Sweet Valium High

You can have me dye my pale skin
You can beat me, I'll love you while I bruise
You can take me, drug my chapped lips
You can hurt me, I'll love you while I trip

But do you think of her - hands on my waist?
And do you think of me when she screams your name?

Don't want you to drug me up, it all just hurts too much
Don't want you to drug me up, your torture was meant to be love

Do you want it?
'Cause when you fuck me
You are loving me and I am owning you
Do you hate me?
Want to teach me that my place with you
Is lying on my knees?

But do you think of her - hands on my waist?
And do you think of me when she screams your name?

Don't want you to drug me up, it all just hurts too much
Don't want you to drug me up, your torture was meant to be love

We can have a pretty house
We can have a pretty car
We can have pretty things
I know that's what you are

The song makes me think of relationships, or rather the ideal of a relationship. Many people want the fairy tale ending, the house and kids and money. That has never really appealed to me at all. I want to live my life in a crazy way to the very end. The song reminds me of many relationships or affairs that I've been a part of. I find that the excitement behind new relationships is quite like a drug and I treat every man I date like a super hero. I try to make the first months like a movie, action packed with him coming out the victor. Just have fun. But afterwords I get bored because the guy changes. He goes from being a fun loving renegade such as myself and turns into this person who desires a long term relationship, serious commitment. Maybe I would be able to do that if I knew it would be fun, but I've never had a good time while trying to be in a serious relationship.

My question is this: why is society so hell bent on the perfect relationship? We have so much media based on women and men pursuing happiness, and happiness always equals marriage, children and a massive estate. Even shows like Sex and the City that seemingly encourage independence and strong female characters, tried to tie up the ending by neatly marrying off three out of four of the characters. The fourth, Samantha, is a character that is more or less there for comic relief, no one views her character with equal seriousness as the others. So when she fails to get married, the writers keep a wild card and the audience gets to chuckle.

I just wish that I could say I think marriage and commitment and love lasting forever are bullshit and not have everyone flip out or look at me like I have a third eye. Love certainly exists, but I'm not so sure about the whole "soul mate" thing. Do you understand how many men I've been with that have told me I am their soul mate? Yeah, oook.

I think we should let go of the preconceived notions of what happiness is and embrace whatever makes us happy in our hearts. To hell with what everyone else says, I enjoy a good one night stand, but I refuse to think it makes me a whore. I am not going to restrict myself just because it makes someone else frown.

And you shouldn't either.